2020, A Year of Love, Loss and Lockdown

A whole year has been and gone since we last put up a post, which happened to be about a lovely trip to Thailand on our way back from living in Australia. If I think back to that time now, it was so happy and carefree, especially in contrast to what happened over the next year. What to say about 2020! It hasn't been a particularly good one for any of us, but I feel I should start by saying we are so lucky and privileged to have been able to stay safe with our families. Just a heads up, this isn't a normal post full of our happy adventures, but more of an update and expressions of the heaviness held in my heart. 

Let's jump back to March 2020, when the world hadn't been turned upside down by the virus just yet. Josh and I actually had a nice start to our time in the UK with an opportunity to give Bec and Byron another cuddle before their trip up to Scotland to see family. We also had a lovely visit to Newquay with Josh's family which involved beach walks, Cornish pasties and lots of prosecco, and after being away from the UK for a while we really appreciated the time we got to spend together. On our trip to the west of the country we stopped in the infamous Lyme Regis to see Melissa and Joe which of course involved visiting every pub in the town. It was in the next few weeks after we returned to Essex that I got ill with what we now assume was Corona, and the UK went into full lockdown. This meant that I was living with my parents and Josh was living with his. Although we were only a few miles away from each other, we were destined to be apart for what we didn't know at the time would be 14 long weeks! 

I think back to the lockdown days with a lot of fondness. Sunshine, focus and a strange sense of stillness as the whole world was put on pause. There was a lightness as the weight of responsibility to make plans for the future was taken away, as we drifted in and out of these days not knowing what the next one would bring. The lockdown was tight in the UK, but nowhere near as difficult as some parts of the world. The sense of collectiveness surprised me and it made me feel hopeful for a supportive community after all this was over. Josh had similar feelings which we chatted about multiple times a day, desperately missing each other and feeling so lost without the guidance and support we share between us. It was extra hard knowing he was so close, but impossibly far considering the strict regulations that meant we shouldn't visit any other households. I know Josh's family were similarly enjoying how the lockdown brought them all together in such a unique way. They spent their time out in the sunshine with beers and cocktails in the garden, and dog walks in the gorgeous spring air. I'm sure they feel the same about their lockdown experience, which to look back on now was such precious time to spend with family. Sadly Josh and his family experienced a difficult loss during 2020 as his grandad Terry passed away. This truly wonderful man who I feel lucky to have known, was honoured in the best way at a funeral in beautiful Chesterfield. It was a difficult day, but it felt good to share special moments and memories in honour of this incredible person. 

I can feel the ache in my bones as I write this, but I honestly treasure every single second of time that lockdown allowed me to spend with my dog Roxy. We were literally inseparable due to the requirements of having to stay in the house, as well as the pure adoration that kept us glued to each others side. The happiness radiated between us along with the gentle ebb and flow of love from my heart to hers. Her love gave me the emotional energy I needed to carry on and I can't ever thank her enough for everything she so selflessly offered. We all needed Roxy more than we would realise as she gave us so much purpose, including a reason to go out for walks, even on the rainy days, or to play in the garden when we were stressed. She was even there with cuddles on the sofa when the news got a little too disheartening, or to bring a smile to our faces as she slept blissfully on her back with her paws in the air. It certainly reminded me of how wonderful dogs are and how they unknowingly brighten the lives of those around them.

As I mentioned, the spring was gloriously sunny and the days of lying with Roxy on the grass, or watching her race around the garden furious after a bath, are a time I wish I could jump back to. In these early days of lockdown Roxy would join my mum and I for our virtual yoga sessions, curling up for a sleep on our mats, licking our faces in shavasana or howling with us as we chanted. I'd wake up in the morning with her happy face looking back at me or watch her snoozing on my bed, her head resting on my legs with not a care in the world. She of course didn't understand that the global pandemic was ripping the world apart, and that reminded us how important it is to embrace every day happiness and all those things we take for granted in our busy lives. This included adventure walks with my dad where the three of us would explore new lands as we clambered through the thick trees and bushes whilst my dad quizzically looked at his print out of a footpath that may or may not have existed 10 years ago. We counted ourselves lucky as Sheena, Stuart and the kids were only a few minutes walk away which meant we were able to see them from a distance outside. They would all stand at the front of the house to say a quick hello with Roxy licking all the kid's faces at least once hoping that they would come inside and give her a treat.

The spring turned to summer as we settled into a lockdown routine, eventually allowing for Josh and I to see each other again after over three months being apart. It was beyond wonderful to get to see his handsome face again and it made my heart feel whole! This was just in time for his birthday which involved a gloriously sunny walk, a picnic and a lovely BBQ in his garden. There were lots of special occasions during this time including birthdays, one being my nan's 90th on one very rainy day in the garden. This began as a happy afternoon with prosecco and cake, and ended with us all shielding from the downpour in any way we could including under a plastic twister mat repurposed as an umbrella. It was also during this time that we helped my parents move house, a place where they have lived for over 27 years. This was a huge task and as you can imagine they had lots of stuff, but with a group effort and the help of all the family, we managed to get it packed up. The move was something we thought Roxy would really struggle with, but she adored her new home and settled in straight away. The layout was just to her liking as she could easily watch over everyone in each room and then race out into the garden through the double doors to bark at any overly brave birds. The walks in her new village were wonderful too and she was so happy paddling in the rivers and running through the meadows, completely adoring her new life in the country. 

I wish these wonderful days could have lasted forever, but sadly it wasn't meant to be. In July we had to go through one incredibly awful day, which I can't put into words, where we had to say goodbye to Roxy as she became suddenly very ill. We were left without the light in our lives. This was a truly harrowing time with the sadness and the pain feeling like it won't ever end, and continues to linger into my days now.

It has now been a whole year since we had to say goodbye to Roxy so suddenly and cruelly, but I still think about her in almost every moment. I've lost half of me, and if I'm honest it was always the best part. I feel as though I need to try and pick up the pieces I have left, but they're not fitting together without the precious elements that I've lost. In the midst of a world shaken by change, it was a grief that shook our family and tore my heart in two. I often find myself thinking that I woke up one day in the wrong world, because this can't possibly be right, where is the place from before full of light and love and happiness? This little being, Roxy, gave me everything for absolutely nothing in return, and made me feel whole, so much so that adjusting to life without her feels like a task I will never complete. This might sound ridiculous, and I'm sure to many people it does, but it is true. I know how lucky I am, in so many ways but it doesn't make it any easier to lose what was the light of my life. If there is anything positive to say about this situation it is that I'm so glad Roxy was happy, adventurous, loving, and playful up until the very end and for that, I am thankful. I also think it is an honour to have known such a strong and everlasting love, something so powerful that I'll feel the pain of loss for the rest of my life. 

As it always does, time drifted on where the days became weeks, and the weeks became months. Time can't be stopped even when you're clinging on to the past so tight you think that you just might win. It has been a journey and I want to thank all my family and friends for helping me along the way. If I'm honest, I have completely lost myself and I struggle through every day wondering how I will carry on with such pain in my heart. There was so much love between Roxy and I, such a pure, all consuming, unconditional love that filled my soul. Now that space is so painfully empty, the absence of that love comes pouring out of me through grief in so many strange ways. I think it's important to talk about sadness and grief. I know grief is different for everyone and some prefer to tuck emotions away, but we collectively share this experience at some point in losing those we love. I love with all my heart, and feel loss with all my heart, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Roxy taught me how magical love can be and helped me feel strong enough to live and love in this world as an anxious person, because I always have her adoration buried within my bones, within the person I am today. I hope everyone gets to feel love like that, but I know this means we must feel the loss of that love. I'm here for you.

There was a beautiful moment in the Autumn where we got to visit our friend Beth's house in the Shropshire countryside. Josh and I were completely blown away by how idyllic Beth's family home is; imagine a perfect image of a country house complete with rolling hills, a wood fire and total tranquillity and that is what you'll find here. We were lucky to be staying for a few days where we got to meet her amazing parents who were so kind and also a lot of fun; it made sense how Beth was such a perfect human! We also got to hang out with her furry family members including her beautiful dogs, cat and horses which are so loved that I wish I could join them. Beth was our tour guide taking us over the border into Wales for a little hike, and beers in a quaint local town, as well as to see some beautiful lakes. This trip to see a true treasure of a human helped to mend my broken heart, but Beth is the sort of friend who gives so much love and care that no matter the occasion, you always leave her side feeling a better person. 

We now find ourselves in the great city of Vancouver, on the West cost of Canada. This was after some intense struggles to get here, on a visa we decided upon and paid for a year and a half ago. It feels bizarre to be in another country and in a similar situation to a lot of people around the world, where life is just a lot more restricted and it's hard to properly plan for the future. There will be another post coming about our life over the few months in this beautiful country, in which we have been lucky to have a lot of adventures, see some interesting wildlife and meet some really lovely people. 

Sometimes moving forward can feel like an insult to what is behind you, but you have to remember that those you love are a part of the very essence of your being. They are a glowing light that amplifies all the brilliance in your soul. We should share our emotions and memories, even in loss, and let our loved ones shine through us for all to see. Grief is just a reminder of love, and this collective grief we all feel for lost loved ones, lost time and lost control of our lives will be difficult to get through, but I hope it can spark a light in our lives to appreciate everything we are lucky to have.